look out behind you

...it's christmas! does anyone else feel like the big day is creeping up on them? in 3 fridays it will be christmas eve. 3. i'm actually going to put up my tree early this year - by early, of course, i mean before december 20th. i'm also determined to find a christmas wreath to replace the autumn one and toss the autumn gourds.

and there's a little peek into the inner workings of my mind. autumn in december? sigh.

so, naturally, i'm starting to think about gifts. decisions, decisions! if i could, i'd buy everyone just what they wanted, with no thought to cost. but i can't afford to do that - shocker. but even if i could do that, should i? is that really what christmas is?

what is christmas to you?

honestly, i fantasize about a norman rockwell-esque christmas: warmth, decorations, joy, general community peace, meaningful gifts around a big tree, all with family, the perfect blend of old-world charm, modern moderate consumerism, appropriate christian reverence and the warm fuzzies like all get-out that don't fade after the presents are opened and dishes are washed. like nothing bad could ever happen.

but that is not life. that is not our story.

modern-day christmas is different. money money money, want want want. gifts mean you care. bigger gifts mean you care more. budgets are blown, lives are hustled and bustled, hurried and scurried and scattered. that apprehension i have about christmas coming too fast overtakes us all, so much that we worry about getting ready for christmas that it blows by us and we sit down after christmas day, wondering where all the season's joy went. my personal christmas involves strategic budgeting, decoration agonization and above all, travel. i call it the starkville shuffle, because we are never one place for long. go home, unpack, sing songs, get up, pack, drive 20 minutes, eat, unwrap, unpack, drive 20 minutes, eat more...you get the idea. not to complain - i don't mind driving one bit, and i'm willing to do it to see friends and family. i just wish work and distance and time weren't always plotting against me.

gifts are another sticky spot. common courtesy implies gifts = love, and bigger gifts = bigger love, and who's against showing more love? but it's a false standard. i'd love to get baby sister every (expensive) thing on her list, but i can't. and i don't feel that i should, either. while gifts are in no way bad in and of themselves, the Gift has already been given, and the mindless madness of christmas consumerism threatens to overtake it at every sale sign, and hardly any of us need anything. so i struggle to stay in God's story of hope and redemption and caring for the poor amid the chaos of lights and layaways and gross extravagance, while still wrapping presents that will bring joy to their recipients. because what is more important than re-aligning ourselves with the true story of the hope for all the world? God gives us good gifts, and expects us to do the same.

that's what i love best about christmas - bringing joy to the ones i love, being thankful that we are able to do that, and a collective festive spirit and season of reflection where we can all find some good in the world, even if only for a short season. so if you're looking for something more eternal than wrapping paper and shiny new things, consider giving a gift with a ripple effect. i like these sites:

amazima

147 million orphans

sari bari

angel ranch

compassion international

or you could check with your local outreach programs for more ways to serve.

law student is getting out the tree today. whooo! can't wait to sip hot chocolate with only the christmas lights on, and to watch a christmas story over and over.

heart strings

my heart is heavy this week.

first and foremost, the bulldog nation mourns the passing of one of our own, nick bell. this kid went from playing football on september 24, 2010, to gone on november 2, 2010. he was bright, humble, and just beginning to shine, but cancer doesn't fight fair. #36 will always be remembered.


http://blogs.clarionledger.com/msu/2010/11/02/bell-after-short-battle-with-cancer/

video of memorial in the junction

secondly, my friend's uncle is also losing his battle with cancer. cancer. sucks. see above. their families are really really close, and cancer has struck them so many times over and over - her father, her uncle, her aunt, her cousin's wife, the wife's sister - it's almost creepy. and so now, they prepare for the inevitable. and it is hard and it is painful. why God chooses to heal one and not another is a mystery. i hurt for my friend and her family.

katie from uganda (amazima) lost one of her daughters. i can't imagine the sense of loss, of injustice, the physical pain of her heart.

it's so hard to understand God sometimes, to fathom why He allows such pain and sorrow for any of us, why He heals one and not another, why He sometimes seems so far away and unmoved. and it is hard to cling to the fact that God is good, all of the time, and can't be anything else. it's just hard. and it hurts. but it's also hard for me to understand His love for me, His unfathomable and unending love, that drenches us in mercy, grace, compassion and kindess, even in the midst of our pain and our doubt. He is here. He is with katie and her daughter. He is with my friend's uncle. He is with the bell family. and His heart hurts with theirs. so i will trust my God, who goes with us when He takes us to hard places.

speaking of hard places, i read this verse today: james 2:20 - 24

"you foolish man, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless? was not our ancestor abraham considered righteous for what he did when he offered his son issac on the altar? you see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did. and the scripture was fulfilled that says, “abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness,” and he was called God’s friend. you see that a person is justified by what he does and not by faith alone."

that is hard. and yet God was there with him. and He provided a ram, not only to abraham, but to us as well, hanging on a cross. i'm so scared of only giving lip service to God, when the bible commands us to follow Him, to go where He goes, taking His good news to the sick, the poor, the hungry, the orphans - to do, not just hear, to have my faith live out in my actions. that is uncomfortable for me. it is so much easier to just go to church, read our bible study together, sing along to christian radio, and tell people i am a christian and all the good things about God and Jesus and stay in my little bubble. but i believe God, and i believe He is good, and His heart is for everyone, not just me. i want faith like abraham. and while i don't think God is trying to create a new hebrew nation out of me, i still want to say "yes" with no hesitation or doubt, or even anger, when He tells me to go to the hard places with Him.

on my heart

Luke 14:"Hate family, pick up cross, give up everything” - A lot different than admit, believe, confess & pray a prayer.

that is from david platt's facebook page. (check him out here for more information.) it's a pretty strong and discomforting statement, and yet, the gospel truth. but i never heard that in sunday school. i struggle with God's plan for my life--about how i am living for Him, showing His love through my every word, thought and action. i fail Him a lot more than i care to think about. it's easy to get caught up in myself, my "needs," my comfort. but my comfort does not advance His kingdom. i often feel very small and very inadequate and very much at a loss as to how to "do" it.

and then there are servants like Katie. here is a young girl who left her family to care for orphans in uganda. she has adopted 14 of them. she gave up everything to take up her cross and care for those the world has forgotten. she is an example of hear and obey, the hands and feet of Christ, obedience and faith, because faith without works is dead. now, i do not feel called to move to africa and adopt children, but she continues to inspire me to live out my faith, which still a work in progress.

and that is what i really desire--a life of servitude to my Father, for His glory and His kingdom. but that life is a choice, every day. every day, life and death are set before us, and we must choose which path to walk. our very lives, mortal and eternal, depend on it. americans have been given so much simply by being born in this country, and to whom much is given, much is expected. so i ask for prayer, that i may continue to seek my place and my post in His kingdom here on earth, and that i will not grow weary, or more likely, distracted.

rain, rain, go away. i need coffee.

today was a coffee-free morning. FAIL.
i asked the law student to make the coffee last night, but he refused. so i didn't either. i mean, how long does it take to prepare the coffee maker and turn it on? yeah, thought so. my coffee maker has a programmed feature: i can set it to brew anytime (usually 6:45 am). why, oh why, do i not take complete advantage of this? i assure you, fumbling for the coffee scoop and pouring the water into the brewer is neither fun nor attractive to watch in the early morning hours.

so, this morning, late as usual. wet hair (i refuse to blow dry when it rains). i didn't even take the rox for a potty. i just threw her in bed with the law student. and i didn't make the coffee. le sigh.

yes, there is coffee here at the office. but it's mostly just jet fuel and crude oil--very little coffee, and there is no cream, only non-dairy powder (read: fake) creamer, hazlenut flavor, which i detest. plus, i prefer to make mine at home, in my little curvy coffee mug with 1.5 spoonfuls of sugar (the real stuff, people. that splenda/aspartame/etc. can kill ya, or at least make you fat.) and a generous helping of heavy cream from the brown family dairy. i drink it on the way to work, and sometimes bring the rest of the cup in with me if i haven't finished it. i think the worst feeling in the morning is reaching for that last sip of coffee and realizing, cup in mid-air and throat dry, that you drank the last sip last time.

random: i have journey's "don't stop believing" in my head. now you do too. must be the lack of coffee. i never sing power ballads in the morning when i've had coffee.

plea: please check out the link at the top of my blog for amazima.org. it just pulls my heart to pieces and really challenges me. pray for this sweet family knit together by our God.

have a fabulous weekend! i'm sure ours will be wet, cause apparently we're now in monsoon season and slated for another 10 days of rain.