epic

i thought this post was only going to be semi-funny, but after some research, expectations have gone through the roof.

let me start from the beginning.

i am hard to fit. i'm also supercute like my mama, but that is really beside the point here. i can (and have) gone through an entire mall in los angeles looking for a pair of jeans that didn't make me look like an amputee. most jeans have an inseam that begins at 30 inches. my inseam: a whopping 26 or 27 inches, which, coincidentally, is also my waist size. visualize that. another clothing obstacle? the ratio of afore-mentioned waist size to that of my hiney and thighs. i pretty much resemble an out-of-shape gymnast. so in effect, pants either fit in the waist and double as sausage casings on my thighs, or they fit my thighs but fall down off my waist. i appreciate your sympathy. these problems are also found and often exacerbated in my least favorite clothing item: shorts.

going back to the jeans--after that fateful shopping trip and a make-up dinner to the future law student at a chinese restaurant (there is a side story here, but i digress), i did manage to find a pair of jeans. joe's jeans. i don't care that they cost almost $200. i am now always and forever loyal, even though i still have to get the petite fit hemmed. they even make maternity jeans and...shorts. jean shorts. jorts, if you will. never mind that they cost as much as the jeans but only use about 1/5 of the fabric. i want them more than i have ever wanged a pair of jorts. i left that typo there on purpose because it makes me laugh. aren't they just the epitome of summer?remember jean shorts, that ill-fated fifth-grade fashion staple? we all wore jean shorts! the mckissack girls also happened to wear bee's tee's, but let's not dwell on that now. jorts, according to urbandictionary.com:

1. Jean shorts. Worn mostly by children and douchebags. Jorts are perhaps the easiest way to recognize people you will not like. If you wear jorts, you probably don’t talk to girls. The term “jorts” does not apply to jean shorts worn by black people, as those are entirely acceptable.

2. A combination of the words “jean” and “shorts” used to describe the hideous attire, usually sported by NASCAR afficianados and men over 40. Sometimes Jorts are accessorized with a l ovely cellphone belt clip and a braided leather belt, but not always. Sometimes the Jorts wearer lets the Jorts speak for themselves.

3. Jean shorts, such as those worn by male Florida Gator fans at the Georgia-Florida football game.

how did a childhood favorite and seemingly practical denim garment become such a fashion faux pas? i agree with the definition--there seems to be an age limit for white people and jorts, but surely those coveted jorts above are the exception to this rule. but not the ones below.


these guys had to go and ruin for all of us. and is that a hog that guy is holding up while wearing jorts?