epic

i thought this post was only going to be semi-funny, but after some research, expectations have gone through the roof.

let me start from the beginning.

i am hard to fit. i'm also supercute like my mama, but that is really beside the point here. i can (and have) gone through an entire mall in los angeles looking for a pair of jeans that didn't make me look like an amputee. most jeans have an inseam that begins at 30 inches. my inseam: a whopping 26 or 27 inches, which, coincidentally, is also my waist size. visualize that. another clothing obstacle? the ratio of afore-mentioned waist size to that of my hiney and thighs. i pretty much resemble an out-of-shape gymnast. so in effect, pants either fit in the waist and double as sausage casings on my thighs, or they fit my thighs but fall down off my waist. i appreciate your sympathy. these problems are also found and often exacerbated in my least favorite clothing item: shorts.

going back to the jeans--after that fateful shopping trip and a make-up dinner to the future law student at a chinese restaurant (there is a side story here, but i digress), i did manage to find a pair of jeans. joe's jeans. i don't care that they cost almost $200. i am now always and forever loyal, even though i still have to get the petite fit hemmed. they even make maternity jeans and...shorts. jean shorts. jorts, if you will. never mind that they cost as much as the jeans but only use about 1/5 of the fabric. i want them more than i have ever wanged a pair of jorts. i left that typo there on purpose because it makes me laugh. aren't they just the epitome of summer?remember jean shorts, that ill-fated fifth-grade fashion staple? we all wore jean shorts! the mckissack girls also happened to wear bee's tee's, but let's not dwell on that now. jorts, according to urbandictionary.com:

1. Jean shorts. Worn mostly by children and douchebags. Jorts are perhaps the easiest way to recognize people you will not like. If you wear jorts, you probably don’t talk to girls. The term “jorts” does not apply to jean shorts worn by black people, as those are entirely acceptable.

2. A combination of the words “jean” and “shorts” used to describe the hideous attire, usually sported by NASCAR afficianados and men over 40. Sometimes Jorts are accessorized with a l ovely cellphone belt clip and a braided leather belt, but not always. Sometimes the Jorts wearer lets the Jorts speak for themselves.

3. Jean shorts, such as those worn by male Florida Gator fans at the Georgia-Florida football game.

how did a childhood favorite and seemingly practical denim garment become such a fashion faux pas? i agree with the definition--there seems to be an age limit for white people and jorts, but surely those coveted jorts above are the exception to this rule. but not the ones below.


these guys had to go and ruin for all of us. and is that a hog that guy is holding up while wearing jorts?

monday, everyday

monday, you win. i give up.

your official 24-hour stay this week was not really any worse than usual, except that i had about a week's worth of work to finish in three days, dinner to make for eight people, a recovery to make from an overindulgence of milk of magnesia, and a husband with a brutal exam schedule. but really, nothing out of the ordinary.

except, you stayed.

tuesday, i was admiring myself/primping in the mirror at work (i'm a bit vain, ok?) and saw the faint outline of a tag through the much-higher-than-normal-for-that-shirt neckline. i had worn my shirt backwards and didn't know it. i blame it on the accompanying cardigan, but i'm pretty sure it was because i got dressed half-asleep in the dark. i was too annoyed with you to correct it and flaunted your victory over my day.

i was sure you had lost track of time and would beat a hasty retreat. boy, was i wrong. not only were two sets of quarterly reports missing in action at the office, i ordered some skincare products online a few weeks ago, and had not received them yet. i made a second order for a new-and-improved product and free cleanser, also mysteriously lost in limbo. so while on the phone with my mother, i check my order status. it said "delivered," and then i saw my fatal error--i had both orders sent to my old apartment in college. i have not used that address since i got married. it somehow showed up as my default address, and apparently i also managed to charge my dad's card for the first order (thanks dad!). i contacted the store and they put in a request to ups (i did not mention my personal sidebeef with the brown truck) for a reroute (new word!). thankfully, a good friend of my sister lives in our old apartment, graciously took my 10 p.m. phone call while studying for her last exam, and is taking care of my package(s) for me until next weekend. apparently she told anna (sister) about this a while ago, but it was not mentioned to me. thanks, sis.

so thank you, monday, for commandeering my week. you have wreaked havoc and left me annoyed and just plain tired in your wake. here's hoping for a bright and shining thursday (pleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease). but maybe i shouldn't say that just yet--i am about to make a phone call to mdes.

in other news: the law student has one more exam--EVER! graduation is next week, then look out, los angeles!

umm, really?

ok, so who has heard of stephen baldwin? a brother of alec baldwin, proclaimed born-again Christian, actor, and has a show on AFR (american family radio).

my first encounter with stephen baldwin happened via friend marty. she used to work at afr and got to meet him once. here is proof.

in the link's video, apparently he makes remarks about harry potter. i've just realized i probably heard this diatribe on the radio one evening. sometimes i listen to afr to see what they are saying. i usually end up annoyed, amused or frightened. not always, but usually. in this particular show, he and another guy discussed harry potter and listened to caller's comments. and it was astonishing. stephen baldwin does not like harry potter--fine. but i really doubt parents are using it in place of the Bible, dude, and teaching their children sorcery. seriously--people would call in, you would hear their comments on the radio with your own ears, and then stephen baldwin would butcher and twist whatever they had just said. i remember listening to the show and baldwin would start with his over-inflated comments to a caller, and i would think, "that is not what that guy said." he got all over people for letting their kids read them, or even reading them themselves, or heaven forbid, see one of the movies! ok, i have never read the books, simply because i never wanted to give in to sensationalism. and i have no problem with parents being vigilant about what their children are exposed to. and if you happen to be convicted about them, fine! but i do not in any way believe harry potter books are anything more than kids' literature that also engages older readers.

anyway, that is not the point of my post.

what is the point is this website: www.restorestephenbaldwin.org. and then this one: www.imdb.com

on the first website, he is asking for people to give him money. he likens himself to job and (shocker) even quotes scripture to this effect. sorry, i fail to see the resemblance. you spent money outside your means and didn't pay your taxes. job was tested. and i'm pretty sure job didn't set up a fund asking people to restore him. so, stephen baldwin wants people to restore his wealth so he can be restored spiritually and God can be glorified? i imagine the only thing to be glorified is going to be his bottom line. he is not raising funds for God, but for himself. for himself, because he spent too much!!! he makes no mention of donating that money or using it for a just cause. it's purely to fill his bank account. just calling it like i see it.

part b, second website: imdb.com is for actors, movies, etc. you can even find the law student on there! but i won't tell you where. when you click on that link, please scroll down and find mr. baldwin's name attached to 3, possibly 4, movies. do you think he is doing those for free? just asking...

so there. my rant for the day. enjoy.

for all sorts of different reasons...

i really liked this poem i saw on another blog. thought you might too.

Wait

Desperately, helplessly,

longingly, I cried:

Quietly, patiently, lovingly,

God replied.

I plead and I wept

for a clue to my fate,

And the Master so gently said,

“Child, you must wait.”

“Wait? You say, wait!”

my indignant reply.

“Lord, I need answers,

I need to know why!

Is Your hand shortened?

Or have You not heart?

By faith, I have asked,

and am claiming Your Word.”

My future and all

to which I can relate

Hangs in the balance,

and YOU tell me to WAIT?

I’m needing a “Yes”,

a go-ahead sign,

Or even a “No”

to which I can resign.

And Lord, You promised

that if we believe

We need but to ask,

and we shall receive.

And Lord, I’ve been asking,

and this is my cry:

“I’m weary of asking!

I need a reply!”

Then quietly, softly,

I learned of my fate

As my Master replied once again,

“You must wait.”

So, I slumped in my chair,

defeated and taught

And grumbled to God,

“So, I’m waiting … for what?”

He seemed, then, to kneel

And His eyes wept with mine,

And He tenderly said,

“I could give you a sign.”

I could shake the heavens,

and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead

and cause mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give,

and pleased you would be.

You would have what you want~

But, you wouldn’t know Me.

You’d not know the depth

of My love for each saint;

You’d not know the power

I give to the faint;

You’d not learn to see

through the clouds of despair;

You’d not learn to trust

just by knowing I’m there;

You’d not know the joy

of resting in Me;

When darkness and silence

were all you could see.

You’d never experience

that fullness of love

As the peace of My Spirit

descends like a dove;

You’d know that I give and save,

for a start,

But you’d not know the depth

of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort

late into the night,

The faith that I give

when you walk without sight,

The depth that’s beyond

getting just what you asked

Of an infinite God,

who makes what you have last.

You’d never know,

should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that,

“My grace is sufficient for thee.”

Yes, your dreams for your loved one

Overnight would come true,

But, Oh, the Loss!

If I lost what I’m doing in you!

So, be silent, My child,

and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts

is to get to know Me.

And though oft’ may My answers

seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all

is still, “Wait.”

birthday girl!

so, today is 4/20. a bit of history:

it's a stoner's favorite day and the 11th anniversary of columbine. in 1853, it was the first day of the underground railroad. sales tax is due today. it's the birthday of several famous people like adolf hitler, carmen electra, napolean and shemar moore (swoon).

but more importantly, it's my friend holly's birthday!

holly and her hubby chad

holls is one of my oldest friends, and one of the few i keep up with from high school. she's loud, blunt, and knows what she wants, but is also incredibly sweet, is a country girl at heart and loves a date at little tokyo. we've been known to put away more than a few pieces of sushi. love you holly!

it's also the birthday of one of my new friends here in small town. i found this picture on facebook and think it's too funny not to share.

happy birthday, stevie! don't hate me for this picture!

3

3 more days left in tax season. this morning, we were instructed not to bother the cpas. it has not really worked out that way. we're all in countdown mode here. because all that other work that has to get done doesn't stop just because it's tax season. and if the phone here never rings again (ha!), it will still be too soon.

yesterday, i worked over 10 hours. i skipped small group and napped on the couch from 5 until 9. in between golden girl episodes, i ate a little dinner: turkey and cheese rollup (one of my staples from college), an apple with peanut butter, some popcorn, and a bowl of cereal. i completely ignored the leftover asparagus and southwest chicken in the fridge. but that's irrelevant. what IS relevant is that the law student didn't bring me dinner from small group.

our small group meets on monday nights. we have dinner together and then bible study. let me drop this disclaimer: i did not ask the law student to bring me dinner. there. i wasn't very hungry by the time he got home, due to my nutritious and organic dinner mentioned earlier, and it wasn't even an issue until we were in bed at 11 pm, and he started talking about the wonderful dinner crystal made. cornbread, corn and lima beans with bacon, twice-baked potato casserole and pork tenderloin...he casually mentioned that had crystal offered a "late plate" for me. "do you want to take a plate to lauren?" "nah, she can fend for herself. she's only worked 10 hours and can't see straight and has a headache. she didn't look one bit pitiful napping on the couch. she doesn't need a good dinner. she had popcorn. and was in a great mood, too!" "why would you not bring me a plate, especially after someone offered it to you???"

thanks, honey.

extended disclaimer:

i love the law student with all my heart. he's my favorite person ever and he always does nice things for me and i don't have a lot of room to complain. his missteps are just funnier to blog about. i've said it before, and i'll say it again: men and women think differently.

a productive saturday

as mentioned in the previous post, my house was in a state of major disarray. so i cleaned. all day.
here's my got-done list:

-3 loads of laundry, plus blankets, dog bed and 2 sets of sheets.
-washed dishes.
-walked the roxy.
-dusted the bedroom and living room.
-vacuumed the entire house.
-mopped the tile.
-put up all my dirty/clean-but-tossed clothes and put away the shoes.
-cleaned the mirrors.
-lint-rolled the roxy, then the couch.
-cleaned the kitchen counters and put things in their proper places.

my house is so clean now. i feel better and ready to take on one last week of taxes.

and speaking of cleaning...does your husband/do you do this? the law student takes his wedding ring off just about every chance he gets, it seems. not because he doesn't want to wear jewelry or flirt with other women or anything like that--he just takes it off. for instance, when he showers, or shaves, washes the dishes or waves with his left hand or something. and i don't mind. but he doesn't always remember to put it back on immediately and oftentimes leaves it exactly where he put it. you know, hanging off the shower caddy hook (my personal favorite), or on the edge of a sink or other bathroom apparatus. i came across it late friday night on the edge of our bathroom sink. i know men and women think differently. the law student, i'm sure, thought the counter was solid and clean and dry and next to where he was standing, so of course that was the perfect place to leave a wedding ring. i looked at it and immediately saw it slipping down the sink drain, sliding into the trash can or flying into a just-flushed toilet. (in these scenarios, no one has to actually flush the toilet--it just happens to be flushing at that exact moment.) so i hid it and went to bed.

cut to saturday morning, 11-ish. the law student is dressed, showered and ready to head to the library but keeps scuttling about, in and out of rooms. he asks if i've seen his wedding band. i say no and remind him that his band cost more than mine did. he keeps looking, saying, "i left it right on the bathroom counter." i smile to myself and try to keep a straight face. then he says he's going to have to look through all the trash he just took out. for a milli-second, i contemplate letting him do it, but then i scold myself for being mean. actually, i realized if he got through all the trash and then i told him i had hidden it and knew where it was, i would be in big trouble. so i go to the bathroom and show him the hidden ring. he was not too thrilled with me.

friday

kathleen thinks i'm funny. thank you, kathleen.

in other news:

i did make it through yesterday. but i still can't fire that client. and i have to work sunday. i can't wait for april 16th.

the law student and i are now the proud owners of two round-trip non-stop flights to the city of angels! i hope all of our friends are currently underemployed with lots of free time, large extra bedrooms and deep pockets. oh, and los angeles dodgers? you suck for playing out of town in arizona that week.

the law student thinks that upon graduation, he should be called sir. the law student is deluded.

i think my mental state this month is echoed in the physical state of my bedroom. and bathroom. and kitchen. so, i plan to clean this weekend.

i also plan to make dream cookies for april 15th, and later this month for a friend's birthday. corrie, this is your sign that i really do love you.

in addition to all my crazy situations at work, i started this week off with a pregnancy scare. but have no fear, nfp rides again! can i tell you how much our california vacation would have sucked? who has 2 thumbs and wants to be knocked up in la watching their husband and friends party it up while she's puking? not this girl.

i asked the law student to make dinner last night. please note this involves a crock pot (read: you can't screw this up.) here's the email i sent to him:

in crock pot, put (in order):

frozen corn (it's family size, so maybe not all of it)
1 can black beans (drain, rinse, repeat), or 2 if you think we need it
chicken breasts, salted and peppered
chopped garlic (2-3, remaining cloves in the little dish--the small things)
jarred salsa over the top

put on high.

the "drain, rinse, repeat" part stumped him. yes, really. i made dinner.

just thinking about this week makes me want an adult beverage.

barely breathing

tax. season. sucks.

i could go on, but that about sums it up. oh hell, i'll just go on.

thank you, shady client numero uno, for paying your employees in cash all year and not reporting it, and for having numbskull employees who decide on april 8th that they want a w2. i'm so looking forward to going through those TIME CARDS you brought me and adding up hours, payrates, tips and cash paid outs since EFFING SEPTEMBER i wish i had the authority to fire you. but i don't.

and thank you, new shady client numero dos, for not even bothering to pay your employees or your employer's taxes correctly and instead just estimating them and paying someone else to figure it out at the last minute. i have nothing better to do than to set up your quickbooks file, enter in all your estimated information and come up with your correct totals and pay the difference for you, all by next week when it's due. FAIL.

it's not like i have over 50 quarterly reports left to produce, unemployment rates to check, stupid audits to do or have to explain to the IRS that yes, i did make those tax payments on the due date. no, i have no idea why you can't post them correctly. yes, i think you made it all up, since the amounts don't even reflect what i paid.

let's sum up the remainder of april, shall we?

next week, tax week. i'm sure we'll get 15 new clients who will waltz in and expect their taxes done that afternoon. never fails. my first tax season, someone came in with four years' worth of tax returns they had never filed and wanted them done that day. april 15th. she honestly thought it would be that easy. never ever do that to a CPA. april 16th--OFF. thank the lord, but it really only piles up work for the next week. and off to super bulldog weekend! the next week, sales tax. the next weekend, double decker with the sisters! the law student always has to study, so i'm glad i'll get to play. the next and final week, quarterly reports. and i can breathe again. thankfully i have fun weekends between now and then.