dear jessica,
or can i call you jess? with all of your "candidness," i feel like i can.
speaking of candid, let's get to the point of my letter. i'm tired of reading another celebrity gossip article tidbit about your farts. seriously.
yes, you're pretty. kind of gorgeous, actually. you have bigger boobs than me.
and yes, everyone toots, just like you. yes, it sounds funny and usually smells, just like when you do it. i can make the law student leave the room with one pffft, and i often silently celebrate my obvious victory. or giggle. in fact, i'm pretty sure i know a lot of people who could out-toot you. i'm directly related to some of them. we even had a club. booyah.
i am a firm believer in austin power's mantra of "better out than in." but i don't tweet about it. or talk about it when i'm interviewed by national magazines. or do it at work or in business meetings. or walking around in wal-mart (like some man i know). personally, i get excited about a different bodily function (well, a couple, really) but that's another story for another time. surely you're no longer surprised by this ability, which in no way distinguishes you from the rest of the world. it's kinda funny when people do it on accident. but letting one rip just because you can - congratulations, you're on par with babies, 9th graders and drunk frat boys! awesome. who needs a grammy?
so, to conclude - yes, you toot. yes, we do too. yes, we know you toot and you think it's cute, because you tell us enough. but not all exposure is good exposure. trust me on this. public gas-blasting can only get you so far in life. stop tooting about your pooting. it can only go up from here.
sincerely,
kissey, founding member of the rootin'-tootin'-pootin' club.
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